Enlightenment of Failure
I’m not going to make it the top. That’s a harsh realization even though this is a scouting mission. I’m supposed to just see the mountain to just prepare for the ultimate trip in March, but I be lying if I said that I didn’t harbor this belief that I might just make it now. We haven’t even reached the trailhead and I know that I won’t reach the top.
I know that I won’t because my guide Dave Penney speed hiked to the top his first couple of days in town. He knows my ability and the ability of the rig as well as I do, and his comment was, “No way.” That sounds pretty definite. Then the airline failed to deliver my wheels, kind of an important part of my journey. We’ve been forced to push our start off another day—yet another reminder of how the best laid plans can fall apart at any point on the mountain.
So where does that leave me? It leaves me realizing that reaching the top is not necessarily the ultimate goal—or not necessarily the only goal. Once I read a book on the Dalai Lama in which the author asked his highness what enlightenment was like. The Dalai Lama replied that he hadn’t reached enlightenment, which he saw as a mountain. He was on that mountain and knew that he would reach the top, but had not yet. If he didn’t know enlightenment, then how could anyone else?
I’m not sure that enlightenment is my goal. From the beginning I’ve said that this project is for other people. I want to shine a light on the disabled community. I want to minimize the barriers between us with “Nametags,” but ultimately this is my journey whether I want to admit it or not. Climbing the mountain appeals to me because it will stretch me to and probably past my limits. If enlightenment exists on this trip that’s most likely where it will lie—when I’m just to tired to think—or too tired to defend those beliefs that I’ve held so dear—when I finally let go.
The mountain, the journey, and the experience deserve respect, even reverence. If I succeeded this time, it might denigrate the effect. We are just starting on this journey. While I’ve trained some, I’ve just begun my process, which has been far from scientific thus far. While we’ve greatly enhanced the rig’s ability, we’ve only just begun. If I were to summit now, it would seem too easy—and I think it will be anything but. It will be one of the hardest things of my life. If everything goes well, I will climb for about nine to ten hours a day for eight days. I’m not sure that I’m ready for that, and I doubt that I’m fast enough to reach each camp successfully.
If this is my journey, I want to be stripped naked. Giving my best when I don’t have a chance of success has always been my biggest obstacle. I’ve always saved something for the future—something so that I could still feel successful. Well, this trip is about my best or more than my best. It’s about being naked. It’s about being vulnerable. It’s about being honest. Those sound like easy things until I try them. My journey is for others, and my journey is for myself. I’ve created an environment in which I will succeed or fail spectacularly and publicly. Realizing that I most likely will not reach the top—that I will not preserve this “ever successful” image of myself—is the first step in that journey, but that’s not to say that I won’t still try to defy the odds.
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You’re the top in my book! You’ve overcome obstacles many times. This one may insurmountable but maybe not. Obviously, you are determined (as always!) to give it your best shot. How many people would even think of attempting this climb? You’re an inspiration to us all.
I’ll be here rooting for you.
Love,
Beth
There are no words to describe just how much you are loved, respected and
… admired for what you have done to enlighten all of us and give us hope, no matter what obstacles we face.
Chris - If you don’t reach the top of Kilimanjaro, on this trip or any other, you are still a success, no question about it. I think it’s great that you admit to being vulnerable on this journey - this mountain climb and your life journey. We all are, though few like to admit it. The fact that you are honest about it makes all you have done so much more real to the rest of us flatlanders who haven’t accomplished nearly so much!
I learned a long time ago that the view is quite spectacular from many points on a mountain (even - especially??? - from a pond at the bottom!) and that “conquering” them by reaching the summit maybe misses the point. Someone once advised me that “the summit is only halfway”. Literally that is true, but you can expand that statement metaphorically as well. No matter how far you get on the mountain, those of us watching from home will think it’s pretty darn cool. Personally, I just want to hear all about the trip!
Good luck and enjoy the journey!
Meg
I have to agree with all the above posts–the fact you are attempting this is awesome keep up the fight( I am sure you will)!!! I want to hear all about the trip as well,, keep the updates coming…
Good Luck
Brenda
You are such an inspiration to all of us. Have a wonderful and safe trip. AB and Rita are watching over you with such pride.
Good Luck
Love Eileen
Chris - so great to get an update. It takes such courage to dive willingly into the unknown. We are bustling here on behalf of One-Revolution and are looking forward to more of your eloquent, honest words.
Thinking of you,
Katie
Hi Chris, Sorry you’ve suffered a disappointing setback in your lofty goal. We’re proud of WHO you are. Your many accomplishments, the few failed accomplishments, and the many probable future accomplishments are only part of who you are as a person. Your dreams are far-reaching, well designed, and all encompassing. You’ve always been able to re-invent the plan when sent a detour. You know yourself well and you’re surrounded by so many wonderful people. Lots of luck and love.
Hey Chris, Hope you do well on your trip and return to the U.S. safe. Oh yeah, one more thing…Rock it Cuz…
You are an inspiration to all! Don’t let the bumps in the road get you down. You’ve accomplished so much already and bumps make the story more interesting(if that’s even possible). We’re routing for you! Good Luck!
Love,
Amy
We’re rooting for you!The fingers don’t always listen to the brain!
Hey You - Remember, cliche though it sounds, the journey IS the destination. Love and luck for the rest of the trip… Can’t wait to read more.
Hi Chris,
There is nothing wrong to change the end of a movie scenario, sometimes the other versions are even better. The important is what you are doing and not what you were supposed to do; it’s all about results. No problem… always solutions and there are all inside of you. I’m certain that you have the skills that you need to find solutions; you survived and thrived beyond challenges in the past and you can do it again. Perfection is not of this world and success appears in more than one way. I’m sure that you already know all that; just some words of encouragement.
Syb
You are a rockstar always! The bigger the Rock, the bigger the Star…
You shine brightly on us all! KP